this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
