i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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