Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
