You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize