I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
FUCK WHALES
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