My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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