Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
