What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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