I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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