he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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