Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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