dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
