my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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