he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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