guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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