I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
