Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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