Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
