it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
