yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
