I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
