The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
