so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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