She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
