he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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