Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
