hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
