my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
