smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
