i already hear my dad disowning me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
