Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
