Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
