I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
