my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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