And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
