The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
