Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
