Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
