why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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