DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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