tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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