my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
