I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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