also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
