He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I need moral support for this bender
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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