apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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