I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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