People in love make me want to vomit
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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