you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
