make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
