There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
