Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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