and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize