Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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