Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize
