Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
