oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
