now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
