Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I smell stomach acid.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
