I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
