my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
