I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
